The NonYaio Story
by Kiken Yuy
Summary: It really should be rated R for strong content. But yeah. This is for a friend of mine. It's the result of a stupid bet and a bad case of insomnia. All I can say is that Heero and the gang go on a gameshow hosted by yours truly


Dun dun dunnnnnn.........*dramatic, no?*  
  
~~~  
  
D, this story is for you. I hope you like it. P.S. Please don't kill me! I was provoked, honestly!! My Kyo picture came to life and started talking to me, he told me to do strange things to turtles with an unneccesarily large mallet and then write this story. It's not my fault!!!  
  
~~~  
  
Disclaimer: The characters of Gundam Wing do not belong to me. Nor does Dir en Grey *wah!! ;_;* Or anything else significant in this story. ........However, the gameshow title is mine and is protected by copywrite laws, so ha.  
  
Please, if you use it, ask me first. thankyou.  
  
~~~  
  
Warning: This story reeks of extreme stupidity, yaio,and much OCC-ness ^^ Not to mention random spelling mistakes. That is all =3  
  
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The Completey, And Utterly, In-No-Way-At-All-Yaio-fied, Non-yaio Story For My Good Friend, D =)  
  
~~~  
  
(let the freak show begin)....  
  
"Heeeeeeeerooooo!!"  
  
"Just a little bit longer, Duo, I promise"  
  
"Shit....Heero...I-......OH GOD!!"  
  
"Hold on, it's almost over"  
  
"JUST FINISH ME OFF ALREADY , FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST!!"  
  
.......::Game Over::.......  
  
"I WIN!!" Heero threw his hands up in the air and pranced about the house like a giddy little school boy. Duo just sat there with the controller in his hands, glaring so coldly at the television screen that even Heero would be proud, had he not been prancing about the house like a giddy little school boy.  
  
"Damn it! Tekken sucks! I hate this game. I wanna play something else" Duo whined impationately, throwing his contoller to the floor. He plopped himself on the couch and proceeded to complain about the lack of entertainment. "Quatre, don't you have any board games or something?" the braided boy asked, resting his elbows on the arm of the couch, facing Quatre. The blond pilot shrugged. "What's a board game?"  
  
"Oi vey...."Duo shook his head. He turned his attention to Heero who, mind you, was still prancing about the house like a giddy little school boy, as most giddy little school boys do. Suddenly, Heero lost his footing, tripped over Trowa's pet turtle, and fell unconsious. Duo didn't seem to care, though amusing as it was, it had no effect on him at that moment. This was torture! There was nothing to do!! Duo flung his arms back in frustration. "Man, I am so bored. I need something to do. Anything!!"  
  
"Did you say....._anything_?!"  
  
Everyone in the room jumped at the sound of that unmistakeable voice. All of them tried desperately to find a place to hide but somehow all the furniture had disappeared. In fact, the whole house had disappeared. The five boys were left standing in a vast, open white room.  
  
"Boys, I have a business proposition for you that might be of interest", came the disembodied voice.  
  
Everybody foze(well four of them at least, Heero was still unconsious(damn turtles^^). They looked around for any trace of where that voice might be comming from but to no avail.  
  
"Stop being so mysterious onna, we know it's you" Wufei said. A small wimper was heard.  
  
"Fine, be that way" the voice retorted.  
  
Suddenly a cliche, heavenly light appeared in front of the pilots. A figure that resembled a familiar, short little authoress floated down from the light and landed on the ground with perfect grace. A smug expression covered her face as she walked up to the boys and greeted them.  
  
"Nice to see you haven't lost your sense of humor, or lack there of, whichever the case" Kiken grinned like a maniac. Wufei just huffed and folded his arms in front of his chest.  
  
"Kiken?" Duo stepped towards the young authoress. "Where have you been?"  
  
"Oh......doing stuff....." Kiken said, rocking back on her heels, that grin still plastered on her mouth.  
  
"YOU LIE!! THE ONLY THING YOU'VE BEEN DOING IS DIR EN GREY!!! YOU'VE BEEN FOCUSING ALL OF YOUR ATTENTION ON THEM!! YOU DON'T EVEN CARE ABOUT US ANYMORE" Wufei shouted, pointing an accusing finger at the short girl. Kiken shot a cold glance at Wufei.  
  
"Kiken doesn't love us anymore!!", Quatre suddenly cried out, bursting into tears and burying his face in the fabric of Trowa's shirt(in a completely non-yaio way, mind you). Kiken sighed and hugged the sobbing boy.  
  
"It's not that I don't love you anymore.....quite the contrary, I need your help" Kiken said, implying towards everyone. The blond sniffled. "You do?"  
  
"Yes I do. NOW BOYS, GATHER 'ROUND!!" She motioned for all the pilots to form a huddle. "Listen, D and I made a bet. She has to write a yaio story and I have to write a non-yaio story-"  
  
Everyone gasped. Kiken lowered her head in shame. "Yeah, I know. So I need you guys to be straight for a while, can you do that?" She looked expectantly at everybody. Noone spoke. Quatre sniffled again. "Ooookay. Well, I kinda figured that. So I brought in re-enforcements"the authoress clapped her hands twice and the scene changed.  
  
Now they were all standing in the middle of a studio set, which looked oddly like the Who Wants to Be a Millionaire setting. Kiken was sitting in her little chair, an evil smirk playing on the corners of her mouth. "Boys, it's time to play Straight Scene For The Dragqueen!! Now sit down and get ready for the thrill of your lives!". She motioned for the boys to sit down. They complied, Heero receiving help from Duo, since he was unconsious and all(thanks to those bloody turtles)^^  
  
"Now, the first question is-.......wait, this format is bugging me" Kiken said, annoyed by her own stupidity. She snapped her fingers and POOF!  
  
**********!!!!!!!!!!%@#$%^&*(*&&^%%$##@`%!!!!!!!!!********.........  
  
Kiken: There, that's much better. I hate writing in past tense detail *smirk* So on with the show *takes out her little notecards* First question for a chance in the hot seat is........What color are my feet?  
  
Duo: What?! How does that relate to teaching us how to be straight?  
  
Kiken: It doesn't. That's just all I could think of *smiles sheepishly* NOW ANSWER IT!!  
  
*Everyone writes down an answer. Soon a little bell dings*  
  
Kiken: Time's up. Whatd'ya got? Duo?  
  
Duo: uhmm......cheese?  
  
Kiken: No.....but close. How about you,Quatre?  
  
Quatre: A tan-ish, white-ish color?  
  
Kiken: WRONG! Heero. What did you put?  
  
Heero: .............hmmm...............there are monkies in my underwear.......*snooooorrrrrreee*..........  
  
Duo: Hehe, Heero talks in his sleep.....hehe*pokes the unconsious boy*.......  
  
CHOMP!!  
  
Duo: OW!! MOTHER FUCKER, he bit me!!  
  
Heero: Don't touch me!! (rawr, baby^^)  
  
Duo: But I thought you liked it when I touched you......I mean you REALLY liked it......like that one time when you were covered in chocolate syrup and whipped cream and I bent down to-  
  
Kiken: STOP IT!!! STOP IT, STOP IT, STOP IT!!!! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!! D's gonna kill me if she reads about you two being all intimate-like!! This is supposed to be a non-yaio story!!  
  
Duo: Well of course. I meant that in a _completely_ non-yaio way, really.  
  
Heero: .....Duo.......*smacks him upside the head*.....baka.....  
  
Duo: owie....*pouts and rubs his injured head*.....  
  
Kiken: Trowa? Please tell me you have a decent answer.  
  
Trowa: Blue.  
  
Heero, Duo, Quatre, and Wufei: What?  
  
Trowa: Blue. Kiken's feet are periwinkle blue. Duh. Everyone knows that.  
  
Everyone: *rolls eyes* .....riiiiiiiight.......  
  
Kiken: VERY GOOD, TRO-CHAN!!(hey did you know Tro-chan sounds a lot like Trojan? As in the condom? Well now you do^^) Unfortunately, this round is over. Stay tunned for round two! And now a word from our sponsers^^  
  
Duo: We have sponsers?  
  
Kiken: Shaddup......  
  
*scene changes while you, the viewer, are being entertained by the pretty colors on the TV*  
  
Kiken: WELCOME BACK!! It's now time for ROUND TWO! This is the dating portion of the game. While you were mindlessly whatching the TV, one of our boys was randomly chosen for the role of the bachelor. The *cough cough* STRAIGHT *cough cough* bachelor, that is. And- oh! Here he is now!! Ladies and gentlemen, crack whores and jrockers, may I present to you.....Mr. Heero Yuy.  
  
*APPLAUD DAMMIT!!*  
  
Kiken: Mr. Yuy. How are you feeling tonight?*holds her microphone up to Heero's mouth*  
  
Heero: *squinting to read the cue cards* Great, Kiken. I'm feeling very straight and not hentai/yaio-esque at all *cheesy grin*  
  
Kiken: That's wonderful to hear. And now, lets meet our very lovely young bachelorettes. BRING 'EM ON OUT!!  
  
*Three girls walk on stage and sit down on the opposite side of the wall between them and Heero. One has long blond hair, and an obnoxious, squeaky tone to her voice. The second one has intense, green eyes and seems rather annoyed to be there. The third one has light brown hair, down to her butt, and is wearing all black*  
  
Kiken: Now, for their own safety, and probably yours as well, the girls' idenity will be concealed until you have chosen your pick at the end of the round. Let's begin, shall we?  
  
Heero: *looks at his notecards* Okay, question one: It's my birthday, and I want to go somewhere special. Where do you take me?  
  
Girl # 1: Uhmm......like I would take you to like.....uhmm.....a mall so you could like buy me stuff with your birthday money since you like, LOVE me and all....teehee  
  
Heero: Ha. Yeah sure....my white ass that'll happen. Next one?  
  
Girl # 2: Huh? What? Oh......uhmm......dammit. How'd I get stuck doing this fic? I should be writing my own right now....Kiken is evil....  
  
Kiken: ANSWER THE QUESTION, WOMAN!!  
  
#2: Yeah....okay......uhh......pass.....  
  
Heero: Ooooookay......bachelorettet #3. Where would you take me?  
  
Girl # 3: Baby, I'll take you anywhere you want, any time you want, any way you want it.... ^-~  
  
Heero: *blushes* .....Next question: It's been a long day on the battlefeild. What do you do to help me relax after a long day of merciless killing? #1?  
  
#1: Like OMG! Puppies are just the cutest, aren't they!! I want one for my wedding gift when the show's over, okay?!  
  
#2: Dude, do you have ADD or something? Puppies have nothing to do with the question.  
  
#1: What question?  
  
#2: *bitch-slaps #1* DIE!!  
  
Heero: Well then......okay. Chick # 3, it's up to you. Whatchya got for me?  
  
#3: I've got it all, honey. Especially when it comes to releiving you of a _long_, _hard_, stressful day.  
  
Heero: *shifts in his seat* Wow. That sounds interesting.  
  
Kiken: Oi very.  
  
Heero: Okay, question 3: My Gundam's dirty from battle and I need help cleaning it. What do you do to help me?  
  
#1: uhh......like.....you should use spit....it's like really helpful and stuff!  
  
#2: You know what else would be helpful? If you went and shoved a spoon up your-  
  
Kiken: #3!! Your turn!  
  
#3: Certainly. Hon, cleaning weapons is my specialty. I can polish your weapon all night if you want and I'll never get tired of it.  
  
Heero:*wimpers a little* Mmphf......yes well....I always love a good fuc- I MEAN....sounds like you've got a lot of intriguing ideas....hehe....*shifts again in his chair*  
  
*Kiken rolls her eyes along with the rest of the audience*  
  
Heero: Last question: Sex is awesome, isn't it?  
  
Kiken plus everyone else: NANI?!!?!  
  
Heero: That's what it says*points to the notecard*  
  
Kiken: Okay. Works for me. You may continue,..........I said go,...........ahem,.......#1, YOU STUPID LOSER, SAY SOMETHING!!!  
  
#1: NOSE NUGGETS!!!  
  
#2: DIE, BITCH!!  
  
#3: HEERO, TAKE ME NOW!!  
  
Heero: I pick #3!!  
  
Kiken: Oh, that's a surprise.....go ahead then.  
  
*Girl #3 gets up and runs over to the other side of the wall,, embracing Heero and kissing him all over and whatnot*  
  
#3: OH HEERO!! YOU'RE SO HOTT!!!  
  
Heero: *smirks and squeezes #3's butt* I know.....^^ *bends down to kiss his prize*  
  
Kiken: WAIT!! HOLD IT! HOLD EVERYTHING!! Something's not right here......*circles #3, staring warily at her* AHA!! * rips off # 3's dress, exposing a _more_ than slightly embarrassed Duo in nothing but his boxers* DUO!!! YOU CAN'T BE HEERO'S WIFE!! YOU'RE A BOY!! GAY MARRIAGES ARE ILLEGAL IN THE U.S.!!!  
  
Duo: I'm not a boy. I'm a girl. Really, I am.  
  
Kiken: No you're not!  
  
Duo: Yes, I am!  
  
Kiken: Then what's this?*makes a grab for Duo's crotch*  
  
Duo: AHH!! DON'T TOUCH ME THERE!!!  
  
Heero: Duo.......you lied to me?*heartbroken;_;*  
  
Kiken: Heero, don't play dumb with me, I CONTROL YOU!!!  
  
Duo: Hee-chan, it's okay! We can go to San Francisco!! We can get married in ChinaTown! We'll be happy there, Heero, together forever!!  
  
Kiken: NOOOOOOO!!!!!!!D'S GOING TO DISEMBOWL ME IF YOU DO THAT!!! Please don't!! I promised her!!  
  
Heero: Does it really mean that much to you?  
  
Kiken: Yes!  
  
Heero: Fine, then. Duo?  
  
Duo: Huh? Oh....I gotchya*wink*  
  
Kiken: What? What are you doing?  
  
*Heero and Duo lean in and kiss Kiken on the cheek*  
  
Kiken: *turns bright red* Uh.....uhm......oh boy.....  
  
Heero: Straight enough for you?  
  
Kiken:.....ah......*nods yes*.....Gu-.......guys?  
  
Heero and Duo: Hm?  
  
Kiken: *lowers her head* Guys, I-.....uhm........that is to say......I think I love yo-  
  
Voice Over: AND THAT CONCLUDES TODAYS SHOW! TUNE IN NEXT WEEK FOR THE MATING HABITS OF THE SEX FIEND THAT IS THE GUNDAM PILOT!! SEE YOU SOON!!  
  
Chibi Kyo: *waves* Bye bye!!  
  
~~~ I'm so sorry, D. This turned out way different than I planned. But I tried. So take it or leave it. Actually, just take it. There was supposed to be a third round to Straight Scene for the Dragqueen but I'm too tired to write about monkey juices and the like. It's sad because Dir en Grey was supposed to be the musical guest. I bet your glad I'm too lazy to add that in, ne? You fiendish thing, you. Well, I hope you liked it. I tried.....really, I did ;_; 


End file.
